The episode starts in a hilarious, blunderous typical Jonathan Pie fashion:
“how long is this soap opera gonna go on for, tim?
ginger picks his wife over his Nan… oh… in other news the planet is on fire.
but back to our main story…
“…I’ve been stood here for a fucking week, Tim? They’re not even in there, you know?
“Freezing my jaffers off out here. This is like that time Kate and William had their first kid, you remember that? Six days you had me stood outside that hospital waiting for that royal shithead to be born! Six days!”
“Stood with the rest of the world’s press filling airtime by estimating how many fingers the Royal vagina had dilated. Six days not — not fingers.”
“And I’m just not convinced this is quite as newsworthy as we all seem to think it is. Massively wealthy couple are to attempt the amazing feat of seeing if it’s possible to be financially independent with only several million pounds in the bank. Fuck me. She was worth four million bucks before she even started shagging a fucking prince.”
“His dad has been paying in millions for years. He can’t have spent it all on Nazi uniforms surely; Four million quid there you go you’re done you’ll be fine. You could give half of it away and still be financially independent.”
“So you know if you want to fuck off if that’s what you want then fuck off good for you but either fuck off or don’t! But before you fuck off could we have our money back?”
For those of you playing catch-up, Jonathan Pie is a phenomenon!
Jonathan Pie is a fictitious British news reporter, created and played by British actor and comedian Tom Walker, who formerly co-wrote the character with comedian and journalist Andrew Doyle. Pie appears in a series of video clips where he rants about the state of politics in the United Kingdom and the United States, presented as if he is a real reporter speaking his personal opinions to camera before or after filming a regular news segment.
Contributed by Christine Peake of Peake PR